I am so pleased to be back publishing one blog per month. I think it’s clear that I love to write, but I didn’t expect how much you’d love reading my words. Pretty much all my recent dates told me they’d read not just one blog, but every word on my website! Which – makes me want to go back and correct all my typos – and also makes me happy. Given that I choose to conceal my face, I used to worry that the essence of ‘me’ was lost, but it seems my words reveal more than my entire photographed face ever could.

I allowed Twitter to decide my next topic. The choice was between my recent reads, the transience of self or the importance of consent and aftercare in BDSM. Based on the title of this piece, you can guess which topic won, but actually, I think transience of self, a lack of permanence, and consent are pretty interwoven. Although my recent reads didn’t seem overly compelling, I can’t resist including a link to this incredible book that I have quoted to almost everyone I have met since I read it. And for fellow book lovers, I just read this gorgeous novel and then in two days I devoured this powerful biography I recommend all three.

The art of communication

My minimum booking duration is two hours, and there are a few reasons for this; one of them is consent. It takes time to build comfort with another human and to understand their nuances, boundaries, likes and dislikes. I also think it helps to see each other as three-dimensional human beings who are complicated, sensitive and contradictory. Whenever I meet a new client, I aim to spend at least half an hour chatting with them. We’ll discuss topics from art, culture, history, what led them to meet with me, and of course, sex. This allows me to ask about their likes, dislikes, things they want to explore, boundaries and potential grey areas. I do this in a manner which is not outwardly obvious, it’s fluid and casual versus pointedly voicing that we’re having a conversation to obtain your boundaries and consent. I also use this time to gain details that can later be used in verbal humiliation or roleplay.

Conversation is really important for a number of reasons. Firstly it allows you to feel relaxed. I often mention how mainstream society’s expectations and the reality of sex work differ, and this is (yet another) example. Outwardly, many assume that I, as a female sex worker, have less power in a booking with a male client; however, I don’t. Often clients are nervous or intimidated, they may have never met a sex worker before, may have never explored BDSM before, or may simply be a bit anxious or insecure. These things can mean they struggle to explain what they’re into for fear of seeming weird or disappointing the fantasy woman they’ve invited to spend the evening with them. Many clients are different on date two; they’re more confident to bring their entire personality to the booking because we’ve built trust, and they know that I am not judgemental. They may also be more knowledgeable about what things they really liked and what they didn’t. There’s a huge difference between what porn turns us on to watch and what we actually want to experience as an active participant, and it takes ‘doing’ stuff to realise that. There’s a lot of fun in the unknown or unexpected, but trust and consent are fundamental.

Obtaining consent is needed every time

I clearly state on my website that you have to agree to a few things to meet me, and one of them is: Anything sexual that occurs always requires my consent. Please never assume that I will provide services that another companion you have seen provides.

This is important because sex isn’t universal. Sex means limitless different things to limitless different people. What might be considered standard by one person is considered off limits to another. At first glance, terms like Girlfriend Experience, Porn Star Experience, Mistress, and Dominatrix are useful terms in the industry but can be misleading in practice (although they are good for discoverability and SEO). 60% of my business is likely now BDSM, but 0% of my bookings take place in a dungeon (have I mentioned I love dinner dates and luxury hotels?). Therefore communication is really important to ensure that your expectations of a term meet the definition of your partners. As mentioned above, this needn’t be a literal cold list of “Can I do this, yes or no?” it can be more of a fluid conversation over dinner.

When on a first date with a ‘new to BDSM’ client earlier this month, he mentioned how seemingly in tune I am with my own growth and change. What he was referring to specifically were the following lines in my Pet Play piece:

“I’ve gone from turning down bookings that asked for watersports (!) to absolutely loving it, and (behind pet play and facesitting) it’s now one of my favourite kinks.”

I hadn’t really realised the significance of this until he brought it up. Sexuality is something that grows and changes over time, it doesn’t stay the same. 

What’s the nuance between free exploration and specific consent?

Safe words are useful when you want to explore freely and discover what you like. Although the pre-play chat is something I rarely skip, safe words enable a level of free exploration with boundaries that don’t break the scene. I often meet clients who say, “I want you to do whatever you want with me”, or “I just want you to use and abuse me.” I wrote A BDSM guide for beginners for KLE and explained that safe words could take a number of styles, from being part of the scene dialogue with active consent, purposefully jarring to break/end play or somewhere in between.

Given that I am an escort who offers BDSM services, not a purist dominatrix, checking in and using dialogue throughout is more my style, I won’t ever restrict your ability to speak (although I may say ‘never speak until spoken to’ as part of role-play) and my pain play only reaches low to medium. However, I do offer neck play and asphyxiation, so your agency to communicate is important! I don’t offer any submissive services and admittedly often play dom without safewords due to my playful and communicative style. However, I advise male doms hiring or playing with subs to always use them. Especially if doing taboo or risky play like consensual-non-consent, which is when your sub will verbally or physically say they don’t want something as roleplay when they actually do. I advise you agree clearly on what faux CNC looks like vs what them really saying no. For example, “if I say ‘black’, it means stop, break or change direction, and if I say ‘no’, it’s scene dialogue.”

What is aftercare?

Aftercare means time and attention given after an intense sexual experience. It can take many forms from lounging, bathing, cuddling, eating dinner or more. It’s essentially a time to shed the power dynamic and reconnect as humans. I think it’s important because entering sub-space is allowing yourself to be abused, used, and humiliated because it offers positive sexual and emotional release, but it also invites shame, and although shame is a delicious emotion to play with, it’s also a difficult emotion to manage. BDSM can be transformative in its ability to navigate feelings of shame, insecurity and more because it welcomes and plays with the things we’re not allowed to do or say. But, this is just temporary, and it isn’t real. Allocate time to recentre and bathe in the escapism, simple fun and potential healing. You may also want to talk about it, how it made you feel and why you liked it.

Even though I don’t count sex as an emotional activity, I am a very affectionate, sensual person, and cuddling and being close to people is how I experience and build intimacy. Whether you play dom or sub, create light or extreme scenarios, I recommend you include a relaxing, intimate interlude.

As so many of you are enjoying my blogs, I am going to remind you that you can send gift vouchers to info@meetoliviasinclair.com ( I recommend John Lewis, Liberty’s or checking out my wishlist and desired spas). I have received a couple and even a sponsored photo shoot complete with a suite from blog readers I have never met, so thank you it encourages me to show up each month.

If you’re a prospective client wishing to plan a summer date, please fill out my New Client Booking Form – don’t email the address above unless you’re an existing client. (I recommend reading my FAQ’s first too!). Existing friends can contact me via WhatsApp, Signal or the email above.

 

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BDSM Escort Olivia Sinclair